the strange pull

Photo via Liivia

Quote via Aubrey Road

Birth Story of The Week: The Birth of Gemma Bird

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I am a huge fan of "Miss" James of Bleubird Vintage fame. Not only does she have the most amazing style and inspiring fashion sense, she is also the devoted mother of three beautiful kiddos and her blog captivatingly details their family adventures in words and images. I was thrilled when "Miss" James agreed to be a part of The Sakura Bloom Styleathlon last Summer, and even more flattered when she offered to share the amazing story of giving birth at home to her youngest child, here on Marvelous Kiddo! I had read the story of Gemma Bird's birth when it was originally posted on Bleubird, and I loved the intensity and raw honesty that comes through. I know you will enjoy it as much as I did. Thank you so much for sharing, "Miss" James!

--Leigh

i have finally worked up the courage to go back to this moment. it was a beautiful moment but also a very emotional one, so looking at the photos and videos was something that took me a lot longer to do than i expected. i don't even really know where to begin as i have never written a birth story before. i have only told small highlights to family and friends but have never relived each and every small detail. it's quite a task, let me tell ya. i feel like putting it down into words can't possibly come close to how incredible and endearing an experience it truly was. but i'm going to try so here we go...

i have had three completely different birth experiences. i had julian in the hospital at the age of 21. he was 2 weeks early. i had an epidural after twenty hours of labor, out of fear, when hearing the lady giving birth next door to me. she was screaming. loudly. and it terrified me. so i got my epidural, out he came, i couldn't feel a thing and that was that. overall it was a good experience. minus the rude as hell nurse, the catheter, the mandatory, and in my opinion unnecessary, preventative actions taken by doctors "just in case" something goes wrong, the stubborn staff trying to get me to leave my baby in the nursery so i could rest, the getting woken up every couple hours so they could check my vitals, the having to stay in the hospital for three days before being allowed to go home. to be honest the only part about my birth of julian that i loved... was julian. everything else pretty much sucked. i knew then that i wanted to explore more options for next time.

when next time came, two years later, we decided to really take our time and decide what and where and how WE wanted to bring our second child into the world. after lots of research we decided to go with a natural birthing center. i was thinking that because i made it through twenty hours of julian's labor with zero intervention, that it wouldn't hurt that bad and that i could do it, piece o' cake. boy was i wrong. milla plum was born two weeks early as well, with a little help from castor oil and kohash supplements. i got impatient and was stupid and i payed the price. my labor from start to finish was five dreadful hours long. the most hellacious, painful and agonizing five hours of my entire life. i did not think i would make it through. i went from two centimeters to ten centimeters in 25 minutes and with one push that i wasn't ready for, she was out. it was a whirlwind and i was not present. i was completely overtaken by the pain. after delivery i passed out and slept for two hours. it was not a good experience. i vowed then and there that natural birth was not for me and that any future babies that we "most likely would not be having" would be had in the hospital where the epidurals ran free. but after that experience i was done. two kiddos was good. plenty. enough. i was happy with two.

fast forward eight years later, a divorce and a move to texas where i was ready to start a newly single mommy life. i met a man who loved me and loved my children whole heartedly. he was okay with the fact that i didn't want to have more children, but he was also saddened that he wouldn't be able to experience having and fathering one of his own. i said "maybe someday, but probably not." i was happy with how life was. the subject of another baby had come up several times but i just wasn't ready for more children. well, it didn't really matter what i thought because one late period and two pregnancy tests later there we were, expecting a new baby and i was, how do i say this... shocked and unprepared. i was now thirty years old and had travel plans and career plans that a new baby did not fit into. it took a lot of time to let it sink in and for me to accept and learn to fall in love with the idea of starting all over with a new baby, a new mister and a new journey in motherhood. but it happened and the excitement and love grew and took over.

i embraced my pregnancy and tried to enjoy every minute of growing this new life inside of me. we decided to contact a midwife and try a water birth at home after talking with close friends who had a rewarding experience, watching countless videos and reading up on the pros and cons. ultimately this seemed like the best decision for us and we were excited. but in the back of my mind i was afraid. my midwife carol, was wonderful. she addressed all of our concerns and really helped me through my fears from my past natural birth. i was expecting to have this baby two weeks early like my other two children. my midwife carol was thinking i would go early as well since that seemed to be how my pregnancies went in the past so we had everything ready and prepared for baby birdie at 37 weeks. the birthing tub was set up in the family room, all of the baby's little clothes were washed and put away. her blankies were washed and folded. the towels along with all of the other items we needed to have on hand and ready were all set up next to the tub awaiting this tiny baby's arrival. at 38 weeks we were so anxious for our brand new baby daughter to come into our lives. she just had to come early. all of my babies come early. one night a couple of days after the 38 week mark i started having contractions. "this is it!" i said. i was so ready to meet my darling baby girl. my contractions were getting more and more uncomfortable and started coming more and more frequently. they got to be 6 minutes apart and thought it was "time" and that we should call our midwife. she came right over and said that if this was real labor that it was early labor and that i should get some rest for when it progresses into the active stages. so i did what the midwife ordered and took my mandatory nap. i woke up the next morning and realized that they had stopped. a heavy cloud of disappointment came over me. we were hoping they would pick back up after a long walk through the neighborhood. i walked for over an hour but they did not start back up. she just wasn't ready yet.

a week later (39 weeks) there were still no signs of baby bird. carol called me to ask me if i would like her to strip my membranes to help speed this baby along. she had a midwifery conference to go to in austin later in the week and was hoping that i would have been delivered a few days before so she could attend. she also knew that i was ready to pop and anxiously awaiting this little missy's arrival so of course i was up for the strippin'. we drove to see her and the membranes were stripped. within an hour contractions started coming. i was doing my best not to get my hopes up but they were secretly up. and really high! contractions kept getting stronger and stronger throughout the night and i was convinced that it was TIME. aubrey was a trooper and rubbed my back in between each one. we didn't want to call carol until i was sure this was it. i did not sleep much at all that night and then around 6am my contractions started slowing down and then once again they completely stopped. i was disheartened and tired and went to sleep. when i woke up i was confused and saddened that i was not in labor. i decided to just let nature take its course. my midwife went to her convention, still no baby. my due date (august 20th) was slowly approaching. we waited and waited and waited. then on the 19th i had another midwife appointment. my due date was one day away. she asked me if i'd like her to try stripping my membranes a second time. i said "why not?" so we did the strip and then went out to eat a big ol' plate of eggplant parmesan which is mythed to begin labor. home we went, hopeful that this would bring on baby bird. contractions started but they were mild. we went to sleep. around 5am i awoke with strong contractions... "could this be it? is baby bird coming today? on her due date?"

i didn't want to get my hopes up but they kept a comin', stronger and closer together. i was so hopeful that this was it. i went to the rest room and there was, pardon the grossness, but bloody show. i yelled to aubrey from the bathroom "i think this is it. for reals this time!" at 7am we called carol. she said that she would take a shower and come on over to check me. we got julian and milla packed and ready to spend the day and night with friends just in case it was baby day. at 8am i kissed my two beautiful kiddos goodbye with tears in my eyes. all that i could think of was that this may be the last time that i have only two children. the last time that my kiddos only have one sibling. it was an indescribable, emotional moment. they left and aubrey and i just held each other. "i think this is it." i said to him. "i hope so." he said.

my contractions were starting to get more and more painful. i laid on the couch and then moved to the birthing ball. went back to the couch and then back to the birthing ball. i kept rocking back and fourth hoping that it would help speed things along. carol showed up just before 9 and checked me. lying there, i was so afraid that she was going to tell me that i was not in labor. that i was only at 1 1/2 centimeters like before. she looked at me and said with a smile "this is it... you're at six." i immediately started to cry tears of happiness and excitement. my little girl was coming and coming fast. she told aubrey to start filling up the tub which he did happily. he seriously was such a gem. so helpful and supportive. the love for him i had grew times 100 that day. it really did. it took about 40 minutes for the tub to fill up. during that forty minutes my contractions were unbearable and i just wanted it to be over. it was time to get in.

i felt a little strange and awkward in the birthing tub sitting there half naked with everyone watching me. soon after i got into the tub paula, the second midwife, arrived. this was real. this was happening. i felt like it was my first time having a baby. it all seemed so new to me. we played devandra banhart on the record player. i sipped on recharge. my contractions were so strong. the pain was so powerful and overtaking.

(stills from our birth video.)

aubrey helped me through each one until they became so unbearable that i just wanted the room quiet and for no one to touch me. i have been told that there was swearing. i just wanted to be left alone with the pain.

i had been in the tub for nearly an hour, breathing though the pain as best i could. the contractions were coming so fast. by the time my body had settled down and i was comfortable again another contraction would come, bigger, stronger and longer than the one before. it was not fun. but i knew that she was coming and that is what got me through it.

then all of the sudden, i had the urge to push. out of nowhere. i felt it. my body started to push on it's own. carol checked me again and i was at ten centimeters. it was time. i was petrified. i remember this cold, shivering feeling take over me. i wasn't ready. i didn't want to do this. in my head i just couldn't do this. but i had to push. i started pushing with the next contraction. once the contraction let up i was so happy to rest but was still so afraid. the pain was so much. so great. it was taking over. carol did a great job at helping me submit to the pain. to just let it happen and to breathe through it rather than fight it. she told me to push as hard as i could with the next contraction. i still could not believe that this was all happening. with the next contraction i pushed. i pushed hard and in the middle of the contraction carol got a worried look on her face and told me, quite sternly, that i was not pushing hard enough and that the baby's heartbeat had dropped, a lot, and that i had to get her out on this next push to make sure she would be okay. i panicked, snapped out of my fearful funky haze and with the next contraction pushed as hard as i could. but i couldn't get her out. i could feel her. she was so close. i was scared that something could be wrong with my baby. on the next contraction i pushed with everything i had. it was the longest push ever. i felt like it would never end and then came a rush if relief, she was out. it was over. the cord was wrapped around her neck. carol unwrapped it and placed her on my chest. the room was so calm and quiet. there was a tiny baby girl in my arms. she was perfect. she was beautiful. she was ours.

it was amazing. her warm little body. her tiny little hands. the drop in her heartbeat was due to the cord being so tight around her neck. carol took her from me and made sure she was okay. she hadn't cried yet. she rubbed her back rapidly until she let out one big adorable little cry. she was breathing fine. her heartbeat was strong. she was healthy. relief!

after a little newborn examination, carol called out that she weighed 6 lbs. 11 oz. and was 21 inches long. i delivered the placenta and we discovered that i tore. ouch! i definitely felt that let me tell ya! after a little fixin' it was now time for me and my baby girl to take an herbal bath and get cleaned up. my newly proud papa bird helped me into the bath tub and then handed me my little girl. i still couldn't believe that it was over. i wasn't pregnant anymore. i just had a baby. i was a little in shock i think. moving really slow, a little shaky and unsure of what to do. it was a surreal feeling.

once we were all cleaned up aubrey helped us upstairs into bed. it felt amazing, like a cloud. i was so happy to be laying down. i was finally able to soak it all in. what had just occurred. to look at my darling daughter and be proud of what i had just accomplished. i did it. we did it. here she is. this beautiful, healthy, perfect baby girl. the midwife checked our vitals and prescribed me a week of bed rest to make sure that my tearing would heal properly. we spent the next few hours in bed, the three of us. just mama, papa and baby bird. we just stared at her with giant smiles and heavy hearts. she was so pretty. aubrey was a daddy, a father and so so proud. we were so in love.

the kiddos were spending the night with our friends but i wanted so much for them to be home sharing this moment with us. we decided to let them stay the night so we could rest and bond with our baby girl. the next morning they came home bright and early to meet their new baby sister. it was so darling. they made me and baby the most adorable hand painted signs. it melted my heart.

watching my kiddos hold their new baby sister was one of the most amazing sights. i was the proudest mama. i had created three beautiful lives. the love i have for these three children is indescribable.

my little family was perfect. i couldn't ask for anything more. this little baby girl brought all of us even closer together than we already were.

and now here we are. she's almost six months old. i can't believe it. it feels like yesterday. we are so very lucky. i couldn't be happier. she has brightened our days and calmed our nights. she's the perfect fit into this little bunch. she opened my heart to more children. now we are planning baby number four for later this year. i can't wait.

thanks for reading. big hugs!

footnote: sadly i didn't get many pictures of papa bird holding baby gemma within these first couple of days. only the crappy iphone photo shown. he was the one behind the camera the whole time while birdie and i were resting. sweet man.

Howard on Breastfeeding

Self-portrait with Max, Ghislaine Howard, 1984

Charcoal on paper

29" x 22"

bump news, week 21

How have I gotten through half of this pregnancy without starting the bump updates??? I think it might have something to do with this being the third bump in less than four and a half years, LOL.

Well, with grandparents in town visiting and the kiddos happily occupied, I decided to seize the opportunity for a bit of alone time and start documenting numero three before he/she is born already!

Babe is very active, with lots of flutters and kicks since about 14 weeks (the earliest I've ever felt movement). Jackson and Walker have both felt the kicks too, and they are both so sweetly excited. Listening to the heartbeat was amazing during our last visit with our midwife, and Jackson has been convinced ever since that it is a boy (although he says he would prefer a sister).

All is well, and we can't wait to meet this little person in March!

our time on anderson!

Today, Tuesday, October 25, Anderson Cooper's new national talk-show, Anderson, will feature a performance by Our Time and a sit-down interview with company member Philip Garber.

Philip's recent story of discrimination in The New York Times has captured the world's interest and reignited the global conversation about stuttering.

To tune in, please check your local listings for channels and air times :)

in the moment

The phrase on the stairs translates as "Childhood finds paradise in the moment. It does not demand happiness. It is happiness."

I think that's lovely!

Marie Claire Maison, November 2011, Via The City Sage.

some thoughts on unschooling: a rather lengthy follow-up to my "good will hunting" post

Wow, I love the conversation this post has sparked, and I love that people are weighing in with thoughtful and varied opinions! Thank you all so much for commenting, and please do keep chiming in :)

Some really excellent points have been brought up in the comment thread, so I want to address a few of those and dive into the discussion with a little more personal background. I won't be able to cover everything I want to say in just one post, but the issue of education is very important to me and I do bring it up here often without getting "into" it on a personal level. I figure since I keep harping on this kind of unconventional approach to learning that is unschooling, I owe it to my audience to articulate where I stand and why. So here goes:

First of all, wow, isn't Art grand? Good Will Hunting and this particular scene are classic, and I think they raise so many beautiful, perplexing, and challenging themes that clearly resonate with many many people.

Of course, Will Hunting is a fictional character, and he embodies many extreme qualities that are not typically found in combination in real-world individuals (the super-hotness melded with being a genius savant melded with having LOTS of personal issues melded with being just naturally cool and street smart, etc. etc.). So it's not that I think he's this Great Model of Unschooling, the perfect example of how you don't have to go to school to be smart or educated. He's a made-up character!

But that's the thing about powerful art -- it can communicate strong truths about our world without being completely realistic. What I think is so great about this scene is that it brings up what I feel to be an entirely valid point: you don't have to go to school to be educated. You don't have to have an expensive degree to be incredibly knowledgeable and passionate about important/esoteric/advanced subjects. In fact, autodidacticism often results in a much deeper understanding and appreciation of the material learned than does compulsory schooling.

I believe in authentic learning rather than forced memorization. I believe in self-directed exploration for the love of it rather than education through a system based on reward and punishment (grades, testing, the whole academic ball of wax). I believe that children should primarily play and not be confined to desks. I believe in nurturing imagination rather than emphasizing rote regurgitation of facts.

I am a lifelong unschooler. For the majority of my childhood I was not required to do schoolwork and I was never pressured to keep up with age-appropriate grade-levels. I played, I read, I drew, I danced, I listened to and played music, I cooked meals alongside my mother and father and grandmother, I learned how to write, I watched movies, I gardened, I helped my parents build a house, I traveled, I had a range of friends who varied greatly in age, maturity, background, areas of expertise. I often engaged with friends and family in rich dialogues and debates, and was encouraged by those around me to speak my mind and always ask questions, to follow my heart and my interests.

Starting when I was in my early teens, I began to audit college courses in subjects that interested me, ranging from English to Music Theory, to Science, to History. I did this purely for the love of learning, and because I wanted to try it out. I was not there because anyone else forced me to be there, I was not there because I wanted to rack up credits or credentials or be some kind of type-A overachiever. My interests and passions had been nurtured my entire life. My parents had not acted as teachers but as facilitators, encouraging and supporting me and providing resources when I wanted them without ever forcing me into an agenda. Choosing to engage with professors and classmates on topics that mattered to me was a huge vehicle for learning, and I will be the first to say I gained much from it. I am not sure that I gained INVALUABLE things, or things that would not have been possible to glean on my own or in another kind of setting, but it was a growing experience and after years of not attending school it was weirdly validating to know that I could function within the culturally valued mode of education (academia) and moreover I could excel there, often outpacing my conventionally-schooled peers, several years my elder.

In my late teens, I enrolled in college full-time, as a degree-seeking Freshman, and set out to see what the world of school could offer me when immersed in it with a full course-load and the objective of obtaining some actual credits and credentials. In my first semesters there, and continuing through my stay, I can unequivocally say that I read less, and at a much shallower level than I ever had before in my life. I became focused on studying for tests. A life-long writer, I learned how to effectively bullshit (not that this is a skill without merits!) papers to get them turned in by the deadline. Previously free to engage with mentors, teachers, family members, and classmates and converse with them on topics of interest, I now felt intellectually numbed, less engaged, and totally sleep deprived thanks to the combined forces of schoolwork and school-style social life (that's a whole other topic that would take at least one looooong post to address!).

And I was "succeeding" at the game! I maintained a high GPA, my teachers loved me, and I had lots of friends!

After graduation, my experience left me feeling entirely ambivalent about academia. I don't think it was a total waste of time, because sure, I learned things and I am not one to look back on personal experience with regret. But I AM pretty sure it was a waste of money. Despite having had various academic scholarships, and having worked numerous part-time jobs while pursuing my degree, I still left school saddled with loans, and a pretty keen sense that getting a job in my chosen field might not actually be made so magically easier by having a degree, good grades, and academic honors.

And indeed, I applied for many jobs when I left college and ended up actually waiting tables and working in retail (not that there's anything wrong with those occupations, but those are not the lines of work that people typically aspire to while striving for their college degree, am I right?) I also know I am not alone in this predicament. It is a well-talked-about fact that in recent years the value of higher education has gone down, while the price tag has gone up. I know plenty of people with advanced degrees that still struggle with school loans and settle for careers that fall somewhere significantly beneath what they had envisioned for themselves as they travelled through the system doing everything "right" for 16-plus years of their lives.

All of this is to say, that as someone who identifies as an unschooler I do not believe that school is somehow inherently evil, but even in its best incarnations it IS incredibly flawed, and I believe that society places far too much emphasis on the importance of this factory-based system of one-size-fits-all education.

And sure, unschooling is not for everyone either! But as a philosophy, I think it is an idea whose time has come, and more people are starting to wake up to the reality that they do not have to live their lives from preschool onward in a kind of perpetual race for credentials of questionable value. You do not have to slack off on (or abdicate entirely) your individuality, your imagination, your interests, or your voice in the pursuit of a degree. You do not have to give up years of play, or reading, or writing comic books, or directing theatrical productions, or sewing your own wardrobe, or starting a business, or programming computers, or riding your bike, in exchange for the be-all-end-all Education with a capitol "E". Like it or not, school is built on a model that encourages standardization and rewards conformity, and I think many school students pay a much higher price for living in the system than the one listed on their student loan bills every month.

Which brings us back to the lovely scene in the bar, and what was for me, Will's rather elegant closing line,

"…at least I won't be unoriginal."

Photo: Yours Truly at age two ;)

mischa lampert

I am head over heels for these gorgeously cozy hats by designer Mischa Lampert. Don't you think they would brighten even the most blah of winter days?

you're invited! NYC book event

I am helping out with an amazing event on Wednesday night, and I would love to see you there!

On Wed., Oct 19, from 6-7:30 p.m. at Metro Minis, author Paige Wolf will be speaking and signing copies of her book Spit That Out: The Overly Informed Parent’s Guide to Raising Children in the Age of Environmental Guilt at this green mom gathering and celebration. Special guests Alysia Reiner and yours truly will be on hand to chat about green parenting dilemmas.

Enjoy sangria and special sweet treats provided by Chef Herbert of Desserts by Dana, winner of TLC’s Cake Boss:The Next Great Baker, and take home organic treats for kids from Happy Baby.

Please register for this free event online and on Facebook.

As a new mother, Paige Wolf has been committed to living an eco-friendly and healthy lifestyle. But with the flood of constantly changing information, it's become an increasingly difficult task. In addition to the age-old daunting task of raising happy, healthy babies, mothers are constantly bombarded with new and contradictory research concerning environmental toxins, long-term product effects, and the far-reaching impact of every product we purchase and decision we make.

Spit That Out! answers the questions posed by mothers on the verge of a “green mom nervous breakdown” and turns to experts to present facts, debunk myths, and help parents stay on a reasonable and responsible course without losing their minds. Whether they are cloth-diapering, holistic mamas or moms who still can't give up their designer duds, all modern mothers can relate to the desperation of wanting to do the best for their children — and feeling hopelessly overwhelmed in the process. Spit That Out! feeds an audience of mothers hungry for commiseration, direction, and relief.

Click image below for larger view ;)

my favorite unschooling dialogue from an oscar-winning movie, ever

Chuckie: Are we gonna have a problem here?

Clark: No, no, no, no! There's no problem here. I was just hoping you might give me some insight into the evolution of the market economy in the southern colonies. My contention is that prior to the Revolutionary War, the economic modalities, especially in the southern colonies, could be most aptly described as agrarian pre-capitalist.

Will: Of course that's your contention. You're a first-year grad student; you just got finished reading some Marxian historian, Pete Garrison probably. You're gonna be convinced of that 'till next month when you get to James Lemon. Then you're going to be talking about how the economies of Virginia and Pennsylvania were entrepreneurial and capitalist way back in 1740. That's gonna last until next year; you're gonna be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood, talkin' about, you know, the pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization.

Clark: Well, as a matter of fact, I won't, because Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social...

Will: "Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth"? You got that from Vickers' Work in Essex County, page 98, right? Yeah, I read that too. Were you gonna plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or do you, is that your thing, you come into a bar, read some obscure passage and then pretend - you pawn it off as your own, as your own idea just to impress some girls, embarrass my friend?

Will: See, the sad thing about a guy like you is, in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're going to come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life: one, don't do that, and two, you dropped 150 grand on a fuckin' education you could have got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library!

Clark: Yeah, but I will have a degree. And you'll be servin' my kids fries at a drive-thru on our way to a skiing trip.

Will: That may be, but at least I won't be unoriginal. But I mean, if you have a problem with that, I mean, we could just step outside - we could figure it out.

Clark: No, man, there's no problem. It's cool.

--Good Will Hunting, 1997

UPDATE, 10-23-11: If you are just visiting my blog for the first time and this post has brought you here, please check out my follow-up post that deals with the topic of unschooling in an in-depth and very personal manner. I urge you to read the comments there as well, as the post has sparked a terrific conversation about education. Of course, feel free to join in! I would love to hear your opinion :)

Thanks,

Leigh

weekend!

I hope your weekend is off to a kick-ass start.

XOXO,

Leigh

Bruce and Brandon Lee, via Nick Drake.

family costumes

80's Power Couple (their baby is the giant cell-phone!!!)

Willy Wonka, Violet Beauregarde, Oompa Loompa, and Chocolate Bar

Max and Wild Things

Monkey and Banana

I love these creative, funny, and amazingly well-executed family halloween costumes! Aren't they genius? Top photo via Black Eiffel, last three via Pintrest.

What are you planning to be this halloween? My little guys are planning to be Darth Vader and Batman, respectively. In case you missed it, here's what we've done in the last couple of years: 2010, 2009.

mountain mama maternity jacket

This maternity jacket from Mountain Mama,

I am digging it hard.

Love the color, high neck, and the streamlined fit.

Plus, I am smitten with those thumb-cuffs.

Positively perfect for keeping you and your bump cozy on crisp Fall days, don't you think?

Order online, here.